Depression And Relationships
Beating
Depression
Causes of
Depression
Treating
Depression
Depression can
be a very lonely illness and your relationships are a key
part of how you cope with your depression. You need
friends for support. Not just good weather friends but
friends who can support you when you’re down. If
one of these friends is also depressed it is not
necessarily a bad thing. You can understand each other
and perhaps be there on each other’s bad days (but
not if you’re having a bad time at the same time).
However, you need to be conscious when choosing sexual
partners that your depression will have altered you as a
person.
It is likely that the person you get together with when
depressed will not be the person you want to be with when
you are better. When you are depressed you are a
different person – you may not even know who you
really are – but your partner will be with the
person you are at that time. Also, depression alters your
view of the world and therefore your view of other
people, so your view of your partner will not be the same
when you are better.
Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t start
a relationship when depressed. On the contrary, it could
be the best thing for you. It may provide the stability
you need to start working through your problems and you
may be able to talk to your partner about things you
can’t discuss with anyone else. Your partner may be
the only person you can relax around and start to feel
yourself again. Issues may arise that hadn’t before
and wouldn’t have come up if you weren’t in a
relationship. On the other hand, you may find that you
keep up the pretence of being the person you think you
ought to be. There is also the possibility that the
relationship could fail before you are ready - perhaps
due to your depression. This will make you worse. Either
way, the stability may give you the space to start seeing
things differently and the confidence to start seeking
therapy.
However, what I strongly advise is do not start a
relationship with someone who is also depressed. I am not
a doctor but I do have 25 years experience of depression
and there are two likely outcomes of this sort of
relationship. Firstly, one of you will get better, you
will split and the other will get worse. The reason is
this: if you are simply friends with another depressed
person you can help each other and if one of you gets
better you can still be there to help the other one with
your understanding and advice. However, if you are in a
relationship with another depressed person and one of you
gets better and you split up then the other person will
have suffered the end of their relationship plus the loss
of their friendship and support. By all means be friends
with other depressed people, we all need friends when
we’re depressed, but wait until you have both
recovered before you think about starting a sexual
partnership.
Depression is a difficult illness to really get rid of.
Once you have had it there is always the possibility of a
recurrence. If you have recovered from your depression
but are still in a relationship with someone who is
depressed it is very difficult to stay recovered. Also,
you may find that you want to get out of the relationship
but feel trapped because you know that the other person
will get worse. The stress of this may send you back into
depression. This is the second outome - you will both
remain depressed.
There are two remaining possible outcomes - the first is
that you will both get better and stay together. I
believe this is highly unlikely but not impossible. You
will both be different people when you are better, with
different views and personalities from when you first got
together. You may still like each other but want
different things. It would be great if you both manage to
help each other through depression and out the other side
but the normal stresses and strains of a relationship
make this unlikely.
The other outcome is that one of you will get better and
you will stay together. I think this is the least likely
to happen. If you recover from depression and live with
someone who is depressed you are not likely to be really
happy. You may still remember the feelings and understand
but there may be an element of "I got through it so you
should be able to as well." We all know that's
unreasonable as part of depression is the feeling that
you just can't try any more but don't people always say
that ex-smokers and the worst critics of smokers?
Bear in mind that a long-term partnership is not
necessarily a bad thing when you are depressed but please
think about the consequences of getting together with
another depressed person. Try to help each other and be
there for each other but keep enough distance between you
so that you help each other and not bring each other
down. In other words, stay friends and don’t live
with each other, at least, not until you know who you
really are.
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